It's Not the Unknown You're Afraid Of

7 days ago

3 min read

We say we're afraid of the unknown.

The new career. The business idea that keeps whispering to us. The move, the conversation, the fresh start we keep putting off.

But here's something I've come to see, both in my own life and in the women I work with.

We can't actually be afraid of the unknown. We've never been there. There's nothing there yet to fear.

What we're really afraid of is losing what we know.

What We're Really Holding On To

When I decided to leave my corporate career, people assumed I was afraid of what came next. And yes, there was uncertainty. I had no clear plan.

But if I'm honest, the hardest part wasn't the blank page ahead of me. It was everything I'd have to let go of behind me.

The title I had worked so hard for. The steady pay cheque. The way people saw me. The way I saw myself. Even the exhausting routine, because at least I knew how it worked.

That's the part we don't talk about enough. Sometimes we stay in what drains us not because we love it, but because we know it. And knowing feels safe.

Why Your Body Holds On to the Familiar

This isn't a weakness. It's biology.

Your nervous system has one main job: to keep you safe. And to your nervous system, familiar means safe. It has survived this version of your life before. It knows what to expect.

The unknown, on the other hand, registers as risk. Even when the unknown is exactly what your heart is asking for.

So when you stand at the edge of a change, your body does what it was designed to do. It tightens. It hesitates. It finds a dozen good reasons to wait a little longer.

This is why we can know, logically, that it's time to move forward, and still feel completely stuck. Our mind has made the decision. Our body hasn't caught up yet.

Change Begins With Grief

Here's something that surprised me.

Every real change involves a small loss. Even a good change. Even one you've been dreaming about for years.

When you step into something new, you're also stepping away from something old. A version of yourself. An identity. A sense of certainty.

And that deserves to be grieved.

So often we skip this part. We tell ourselves we should just be grateful, or excited, or brave. But when we don't acknowledge what we're letting go of, it quietly holds us back.

Sometimes we stay, not because staying is right, but because leaving means grieving something first.

A Better Question to Ask

When we're afraid of change, we usually ask: "What if it goes wrong?"

It's a question that keeps us spinning, because there's no answer. The future hasn't happened yet.

So try asking a different question instead:

"What am I really afraid to let go of?"

This question is honest. It points you to what's actually happening inside you. And that's where courage lives. Not in pretending you aren't afraid, but in understanding what your fear is really protecting.

A 3-Step Practice to Try

The next time you feel stuck at the edge of a change, try this. It only takes a few minutes.

Step 1: Name it.

Finish this sentence, out loud or in your journal: "If I make this change, I'm afraid I'll lose..."

Let whatever comes up be there. A title. Security. Approval. A relationship. A version of yourself.

Step 2: Feel it.

Notice where your body tightens as you say it. Your chest? Your throat? Your stomach? Your shoulders?

You don't need to fix anything. Just notice.

Step 3: Soften it.

Place a gentle hand on that part of your body. Breathe slowly, letting your exhale be a little longer than your inhale. Then say to yourself:

"I can honour what I'm letting go of, and still move forward."

Stay here for a few breaths.

You might not feel a dramatic shift. That's okay. What you're doing is showing your nervous system that it's safe to let go, one breath at a time. Over time, that safety is what makes change possible.

You Don't Have to Stop Being Afraid

I want to leave you with this.

Courage isn't the absence of fear. It isn't forcing yourself through the door while your whole body is saying no.

Courage is letting your body know it's safe enough to take the next step.

You can honour what you're leaving behind and still walk toward what's calling you. You can grieve and grow at the same time.

So I'll ask you gently: what are you holding on to?

And what might become possible if you let your body know it's safe to let it go?

Elynn Teo

Founder, The Mind Studio

CFO turned Coach

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